


When Everything’s Made to be Broken (I just want you to know who I am)

by idk5678



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Pining, eddie is alive, no ghosts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:35:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27558475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idk5678/pseuds/idk5678
Summary: Inspired by Phoebe Bridgers’ and Maggie Rogers’ cover of Iris.Dani was with someone else in every other way except in this moment. In this moment, her hands were with Jamie, her lips were with Jamie, her whispers could only be heard by Jamie. In this moment, Jamie could pretend she was enough. Dani made her feel like she was enough. So she would pay for this evening with the cost of forever. She would crash back to earth with melted wings after chasing Dani to the sun. She would break her own heart to feel Dani’s love just this once.She would break her own heart just to know Dani knew who she was. Knew every part of her better than anyone else. Even if it’s behind a closed door, in the dark, blooming in the shadows.  Dani knew who she was, and that was enough.
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Edmund O'Mara, Dani Clayton/Jamie, Hannah Grose/Owen Sharma
Comments: 44
Kudos: 181





	1. I’d give up forever to touch you

**Author's Note:**

> I believe there will be at least one more chapter of this with a point of view shift to Dani, but please let me know if you enjoy it and want it continued. I can definitely dive further into how they got to this point, if anyone is interested.
> 
> I also really recommend listening to the cover this is based on for the full effect.

Jamie wasn’t sure how this happened. How her back ended up pressed into a closet door, handle digging into spine, Dani’s lips on her neck, Dani’s hands on her hips, Dani’s whispers on her skin, Dani’s thoughts in her head. Dani. Dani. Dani.

Jamie wasn’t sure how this happened. How shy glances turned to crossing rooms, turned to crossing boundaries. Wasn’t sure if she was feeling some version of holy, and if the wonderment of the feeling was sacrilege personified by wandering fingers and feather light kisses. If feeling this close to heaven, feeling as though she was clipping an angels wings in the name of her own desire, would earn her a room with a window view in purgatory. And really, she didn’t care. 

Because though Dani was likely looking for anything else tonight, anyone else tonight, she found Jamie first. Jamie, who had always been there, always watched with a tempered gaze and a tempted heart. Had let the dream of her slip away one too many times in the name of self preservation and self-fulfilling prophecy. Deemed the thought self indulgent or maybe just plain selfish.

Which is why, on nights like tonight, when throngs of bored college kids gathered in living rooms with not enough seats but way too many opinions, Jamie resigned herself to being the dutiful wallflower. Blooming in the shadows for no one to see. That was until Dani.

They had known each other since freshman year. Lived on the same floor in the same dorm, bumped into each other in the communal bathroom. Jamie didn’t mind when the slight inconvenience resulted in an apologetic smile, and a brief acknowledgement of her existence. Sometimes idle chit chat. Sometimes a bite of the lip. Always an uncompromising feeling of understanding in that shared gaze.

And as much as Jamie wanted to ask for more. More time, more words, more shared moments she could scrutinize in the middle of the night instead of sleeping, there was one major issue. Dani was with someone else. 

Dani was with someone else in every other way except in this moment. In this moment, her hands were with Jamie, her lips were with Jamie, her whispers could only be heard by Jamie. In this moment, Jamie could pretend she was enough. Dani made her feel like she was enough. So she would pay for this evening with the cost of forever. She would crash back to earth with melted wings after chasing Dani to the sun. She would break her own heart to feel Dani’s love just this once.

She would break her own heart just to know Dani knew who she was. Knew every part of her better than anyone else. Even if it’s behind a closed door, in the dark, blooming in the shadows. Dani knew who she was, and that was enough.

It ended with a knock, ended with a jump, ended with a flash of anxious acknowledgement in the blonde’s eyes. It ended with a finger pressed to her lips, an apology, a ‘please forgive me’. 

“I’m sorry Jamie, I don’t know... I don’t know what I was thinking...” And Jamie understood. Of course she understood. The moment was gone with her heart, and she was certain she would never speak of either ever again.

“I know... It’s okay.” She quieted the trembling girl with gentle hands and softer words. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” 

“I wish... I wish this was all different...” And Jamie was certain Dani meant it. Certain she would never want to cause any pain. So Jamie let the intention be enough, let it fill all the aching cracks that she was certain time would never be able to. 

“Dani, it’s alright, I promise.” And it was, because that moment was enough for a lifetime and she couldn’t be selfish. She had to let her go back to the reality she belonged in. “You leave first, and I’ll wait a few minutes until the coast is clear.” 

“Jamie, please don’t think- I don’t want you to think I didn’t want this...” And Jamie was certain Dani meant it. Certain that if things were different, this wouldn’t have to be enough. But they weren’t, and this would have to be.

Half an hour later, she spotted Dani claimed by a mop of brown curls and a loose arm around her waist. She could see the tortured look in her eyes as their gaze met one last time. So Jamie claimed everything else. Her jacket, the air in that room, the guilt they would both ache from when it all set in, the broken pieces of a heart that no longer belonged in her chest. She would claim it all so Dani wouldn’t have to. And then she would step into the parky October breeze, knowing that one person saw her for her, and that was enough. It would have to be enough.


	2. You bleed just to know you’re alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dani’s point of view. A realization her end, and plent of angst.

Jamie. She hurt Jamie. 

She held her, then hid her. Kissed her, then silenced her. Loved her, and then left her in the inky blackness of her own shame. Left her in someone else’s closet, in someone else’s bedroom, in hopes that no one else would see them.

Jamie. Sweet Jamie. Who held her, then comforted her. Kissed her, then promised her. Loved her, and then remained in the shadows of all of her useless indignity.

She could see it in Jamie’s eyes before she stepped into the cold, in the craters of her trembling chin, in the way she pacified Dani with a merciful nod and a lenient heart. The gesture was more than she deserved. Jamie was more than she deserved.

And really, all the ache in her should be claimed by guilt for betraying the person she promised her heart to. All the tears she should be shedding but couldn’t, all the honesty hidden within calculated lies. The thought of losing him should feel like losing a piece of herself. But really, it feels as inconsequential as change in between couch cushions, the back of an earring on a subway car.

And maybe that’s because he lost her before he ever really had her. Lost her in between flossing and brushing, detangling and towel drying, mascara and lipstick. He lost her to a sleepy eyed brunette who didn’t know how not to get lost in the passing moments. To talks of the forecast and the accidental bumping of elbows. To horrible jokes with a hell of a delivery. The accent certainly helped.

Dani Clayton was fairly certain she fell for Jamie Taylor the moment they met. Over a shared tube of Colgate and promises of a warm fall day ‘according to Jim, the weather man’. It felt like they knew each other in another life, in another universe, in another time. 

So when she saw her this evening after not seeing her for months. No passing gazes like passing notes, no almost collisions on the way to class, no quiet closeness during separate study sessions at the library. She knew she needed more. More time, more words, more shared moments. More Jamie.

It started like it always had, a knowing look, a small smile. Getting close enough for the backs of hands to skim against each other like skipping pebbles on the water’s surface. Tiny ripples that led to grazing elbows and twisting fingers. Until somehow, the small touches turned into knots and links and padlock connection. Turned into backing into bedrooms, backing into closets, backing into darkness with Dani’s lips chasing a moment. And Jamie was sweet, and kind, and buzzing with hopeful hesitation. Mumbles of ‘Are you sure?’, mumbles of ‘thank fuck.’, shouts of her own heart across a quiet abyss. 

And then it was over before it had really begun. Over a close call and a detaching jerk of the head. Over feeble apologies and silencing hands. Over Jamie’s promises and Dani’s incapability of saying what she really wanted to say, what she really needed to say.

It was Jamie who remained in the shadows, remained in the darkness, remained in the back of her mind and the back of a closet. It was Jamie who rematerialized sometime later, giving her one last look with heavy, pink eyes and a bite of the lip. And it all became so clear.

She hurt Jamie. She left her crying in a closet to preserve a ghost of an idea, a ghost of a thought, in return hurting herself. Breaking her own heart in the name of picture perfect promises, of silver screen sweethearts. Hoping love could grow from fondness, from ease. Could grow from good intentions and bullish trying.

With Jamie, it was so easy, so unintended, so serendipitous. While Eddie drowned her in himself, in his kiss, in his touch, in his voice. Always heavy, always pooling, always dragging and tangling and suffocating. Jamie felt like truly breathing for the first time. She was gentle as a breeze, soft as a whisper, weightless, wantless, waning and waxing with each careful touch. 

She was in love with Jamie. 

She was in love with Jamie. She hurt Jamie. She missed Jamie. She wanted Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie.

There wasn’t room left for anything else. Not regret, not guilt, not frustration. Only love for the right person at the wrong time. 

Only Jamie. She had to find Jamie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading so far! Please let me know what you think, and if you’d like to see a happy ending for these two!


	3. I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cause I don’t think that they’d understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Jamie’s POV. More angst, more honesty, a glimpse into how they got to this point.

She shuttered in the cold. Shuttered in the weight of it all. Shuttered in on herself, as if obstructing the world’s view of her would somehow stop the admission of gnawing ache. If no one else could see it, could register the glassiness of her eyes and the swollen pink of her lids, could hear the soft sniffle announcing each inhale or the percussive rattling of each wavering exhale, she could by some miracle evade the pain herself.

But Dani saw her. Felt her. Heard her.

So there was no avoiding it, no hiding it, no numbing it. And with the searing symptom of unrequited love being the only thing she had left of that moment, she wasn’t certain she wanted to ease it anyway. Sure, it was heavy, and meant to be shouldered by two, but Jamie would survive it, would carry it up her own Everest if she had to. As long as she had proof that, even for just a brief few moments, she got to love Dani Clayton, it would be enough. 

She was also certain that everything would be different between them now. That a cosmic shift had its own harrowing consequences, and she would shoulder those too. It would come with a penance of averted gazes and inflated distance. Silence where stumbling syllables used to be, silence where giggles used to be, silence where her whole heart used to live. Not even the pounding of it could break through the hush. But she had survived it before.

Their journey to this moment may seem innocuous to the unobservant eye. Casual, light, unassuming. But every time Jamie Taylor saw Dani Clayton she was certain of one thing, that she would do absolutely anything to make that girl smile.

The coincidental bathroom times became apart of a schedule both girls upheld, worshipped like a religion. It led to cafeteria conversations and whispered library study sessions. It led to stories and confessions, to middle names and explanations of scars, it led to latching pinky fingers; discreet, noncommittal, but full of something. Something Jamie couldn’t vocalize and Dani would never admit. 

:

“I love him, ya know.” It was carried on a whisper, contrary to the cumbersome weight of it. Jamie continued staring at the same paragraph she had been trying to ingest for 45 minutes. A fruitless effort when Dani was this close, was this real. “He’s not what I imagined, not what I hoped for. But he’s a good man... and I love him.”

Jamie bit her lip, slipped her hand, wavered between conscious thought and protective daydream wanders. She knew this would happen eventually, she’s just glad only her pinky paid the price.

“Spoon full of sugar for that medicine, eh Poppins.” Jamie’s voice sounded different, further away, full of rust and grit and dirt. And she knew it. She couldn’t change it, couldn’t stop it. She had to pull away. “Not perfect, but good for ya? I’d prefer a pill, easier to swallow.”

And with that, she grabbed her things, shook Dani’s gaze from her own, and slipped out the back of the library with nothing left to say. Dani fired a warning shot, but somehow Jamie was still left bleeding. Not fatal, but leaving one hell of a scar she would never truly be able to explain to anyone else.  
:

Jamie had been successful in letting her go, letting her breathe, letting her leave the truth unacknowledged. Letting her let the idea of Jamie go.

That was until tonight. Until Dani pulled her back with more than a pinky, more than a whisper, more than a goddamn middle name. Pulled her back with palms, and lips, and the brute strength of impulse. Dislocated the pieces of her heart; the rattle taking place of all the silence Jamie reached for. Instead left with cut fingers from sharp edges. Another scar left unexplainable, wordless. 

The moment had to be enough. The memory had to be enough. The scars, the pieces, the truth, even if only they knew, it had to be enough.

She loved Dani Clayton. She loved Dani Clayton enough to let her go. 

“Jamie, wait... please...” but it was Dani, who it seems, didn’t love her enough to let her go. Who had to keep pulling, had to keep chasing, with no idea how much she was taking, claiming, scarring. 

“Poppins, I can’t... I have nothing left to give...” it was a sad whimper, an aching plea. A broken promise, an attempt at the truth. “You see, I’m in love with you. And you’re... you’re in love with someone else. I’ll take the pill, no need for your sugar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and let me know what you think! I love the feedback.
> 
> I believe there will be one more chapter after this, and we may finally get some happiness and fluff for these two.


	4. I just want you to know who I am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally the confessions. Full of angst and fluff and sweetness!

“Jamie... you’re... you love me?” It wasn’t enough. The sad echo at the back of her throat, gaining life through hesitant exhales, wasn’t enough. And Dani knew it, saw it, felt it all as she wide eyed whispered to the ghost of a breeze. 

“Yeah... yeah, I do... and I let you off the hook... You’re off the hook, Dani! Please don’t make me do it again...” Jamie’s all broken consonants and faltering breaths. She’s shaking, and stammering. Lamenting prayers, desolate communion. And Dani wasn’t a god, not an angel, not anything remotely holy. But she still felt the compulsion to take this all away; heal with her words and hands and unsaid promises. “Please... don’t make me do it again...”

The whispered solicitation fell on deaf ears as Dani moved closer, unable to keep any sort of detachment from the pain she caused. Jamie was aching, and recoiling, and doing her best to abate the sharp blows each silent second landed. And Dani knew it, she hated herself for it.

This beautiful, wonderful, charming, stubborn, incredible woman was breaking apart in front of her, after being mishandled by her, and all she could do was let the tidal wave of ache swallow her whole. It wasn’t true what Jamie said, that she had nothing left to give. It wasn’t true, because it was so clear in the way the brunette inched away, the way she tried to minimize this agonizing interaction, that she was trying to monopolize all the pain. She was going to let herself bleed out so Dani wouldn’t have to feel as much as a paper cut. It wasn’t true, and it wasn’t right. 

“Jamie, please... just hold on.” Dani severed the remaining reach between them, placing a mollifying hand on Jamie’s jacketed elbow. It was barely contact, more like the spirit of a touch, but it was enough to have wild green eyes meet her own ocean blues. It was enough. In this moment it had to be enough. “I’m so sorry, James. I’m so fucking sorry.”

The casual nickname caught them both off guard as Jamie puffed out an anxious breath. Dani felt more like an anchor now, keeping the panic at bay, softening the tiny trembles autumn chill and unadulterated sadness had a hand in. Had Dani’s hands in, wrists in, elbows in. She was covered in all the mistakes she wanted to take away.

“Dani... I don’t know how to be enough... I can’t be enough for you...” The admission quaked Dani at her core. Cracked the foundation of her useless heart. “You love him... and you don’t have to hide him... I can’t give ya that.”

There was a tiny sniffle, slip of an arm, and Jamie was shifting away just like she had at the library that day. Except this time, it was all out there, all aching pieces and her honest truth. All hail Mary hesitant touches. All of who Dani was to Jamie, quickly expiring in Dani’s suffocating silence. She had to do something, give something, sacrifice her own comfort in the name of her heart. 

“I love you, Jamie. I’m in love with you.” And the brunette halted, shoulders hiking up to her jaw, fists clenching in tense surrender. But her back remained turned, her expression hidden. “You are everything to me, and I need you to know that.”

It gave Dani enough time to close the small but gaping expanse between them. To reach out a tender hand, offering only an extended pinky. It gave her enough time to reconnect them, if only by the tiniest link, allowing Jamie the opportunity to break it if she needed to, break Dani’s heart if she needed to. Dani owed her that much. 

“Poppins... you can’t say that if you don’t mean it... you can’t do this if you don’t want it... can’t want it the way I want it. The way I need it.” And like a breaking dam, a faltering resolution, an answered prayer, Dani grabbed for shoulders, and jaw, and cheek. Grabbed what felt like hers to claim, and crashed her lips into everything she’s ever wanted. It didn’t matter who saw, who heard, who had something to say. Because the only two people who could feel this was them, and it was more than enough.

“I love you, Jamie Taylor. I want you, Jamie Taylor. I need you...” and Jamie wasn’t pulling anymore, wasn’t slipping, wasn’t resisting against everything she’s ever dreamed of. She was staring with hazy eyes and a tiny smirk. Chuckling with a watery echo, sighing into a whisper light kiss. 

“Fuck Poppins, is this the sugar I’ve been missin’ out on?” The breath of Dani’s tiny giggle tickled Jamie’s lips, as their foreheads pressed together, eye contact remaining unshakeable.

“You’re such a dork. But in the most delightful way...”

“But I’m your dork. If you’ll have me that is...” the confidence in Jamie’s voice dwindled off into quiet nervousness. It made Dani want to kiss it all away, smooth any ruffled nerves.

“I’m yours and you’re mine. It’s you. It’s me. It’s us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I’ve been loving all your feedback, and it has certainly helped the writing process.
> 
> I may have one more chapter up my sleeve, if that’s something everyone would be interested in.


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a time jump and all the fluff to round out this story!

It started with a yellow gold band, tiny hands holding a tiny heart, crown perched atop its cartoon-esque curves. It had Dani trembling as she slid it on her love’s right hand ring finger. It’s sharp arrow like tip facing inwards, piercing through Jamie’s chest, claiming her anatomical cadence. Forever charged and hurried by Dani’s affectionate gaze. Forever pounding in time with the winding of Dani’s nimble fingers. 

It was the marker of a year well spent. A promise well kept. A souvenir of passing seasons, shedding layers just to gain them again. Shedding parts of an old life that no longer fit, that was always too baggy on the shoulders and tight around the chest, to gain a reality that caressed her frame lovingly, carefully, perfectly. 

“I love you, Jamie. More than words can express, more than any string of consonance and vowels can attempt to claim and carry.” Dani swept back a piece of golden fringe falling in her eyes, like the physical act would sweep away the giant feelings she was trying to curb and keep at bay before they splintered her already compromised timbre with their weight. “I know it’s too soon for the type of promises I hope we get to make one day, but let this token of my affection serve as a placeholder until then.”

Jamie never rushed Dani. Never pressed too hard or asked for too much. Always felt like whatever time she was allotted she would make do with, would stretch into an endless dreamscape of forever. Those were the silent vows she made herself, made Dani when the blonde had slipped into euphoric comatose. Heavy on Jamie’s chest, light on her heart. 

But now, she felt the relief of permanence, of emblematic oaths in the form of golden tradition. She knew, deep down in the depths of her forever hopeful soul, that years from now a bent knee would follow, this ring would be moved to a less dominant but more meaningful hand, and no matter who asked, the answer would remain resolutely the same. The answer would be more than enough.

And she was right. Her loyalty to royal blue iris’ remained nerveless and steadfast. Her hands always gentle and patient and forever pressing Dani to see her self worth, to feel every unrefined and untapped part of herself that went criminally unnoticed in the back of a closet, in the back of daydream sincerity. Her heart always beating in time with Dani’s tapping fingers, like the morse code spelling of her name. Dani’s. Dani’s. Dani’s. 

So three years later, on a date that would lose its anniversary title once vows were exchanged, and a new date was secured, Jamie found herself on one knee. Shaky hands, and a heart waiting for Dani’s gentle ignition turn to beat again. 

“Poppins, my soul knew you were the one the minute our eyes met. It scared the living shite out of me because I knew a love like ours could eternally wreck me, could ruin my heart for anyone else. And sure, we fumbled in the beginning, fractured pieces of ourselves in the name of accepting this, accepting us. But everyday since that cold October four years ago has convinced me further that you are it for me.” She took a fragment of a breath and stared down at her own hands, willing them to steel but finding no such reinforcement with this much adrenaline induced ardor coursing through her. The only thing keeping her from totally vibrating was the careful grip of the ring pressed between her finger tips. “I’ve never, not once, cared about how the world saw me... if the world saw me at all... But the minute I looked into your eyes, all I wanted was for you to notice me, to never stop noticing me, understanding me, feeling every part of me, even the bitter and broken. Even the hopeless and hopeful. I wanted all of you to find all of me. I’ll never stop wanting that for the rest of my life... So marry me. Marry me, because you are the love of my life and my best friend, and I don’t want to know a reality without you being the holder of either of those titles.”

Dani was now crouching down to the floor, both knees grazing hardwood like the start of an answering prayer. Her hands met Jamie’s, stilling them instantly, cupping them carefully with tear filled tenderness. Glassiness mirroring glassiness, like a raindrop meeting an ocean. Eternal give and take, eternal nourishment of their promises, of their serendipitous love.

“Yes, oh my god, yes! I want to marry you so much...” Dani’s voice was gentle, just above a whisper, but her excitement accentuated the end of each sentence. Punctuated answers to questions Jamie didn’t even need to ask. 

The ring was delicate; a thin, white gold band with an emerald cut sapphire, flanked by two smaller moon stones. It looked ethereal, magical, one of a kind. It was perfect. Jamie slid it on her left hand ring finger, taking the time to center it with a gentle thumb and concentrated bite of the lip. With a ring as close to out of this world as you can get placed on her hand by the woman who was her whole world, it was hard not to thank the celestial ether enveloping their limitless love.

Before Jamie could lean in and give the answer physical acknowledgement, Dani was taking Jamie’s right hand in her own, sliding her gold signature of love off the brunette’s finger, and moving it to the left. The tiny arrow like tip now facing outwards, piercing Dani’s heart, and claiming her anatomical cadence. One day claiming her last name.

“I figured this ring needs to move into its new home. I mean, now that you’re my fiancé, it seems only right that the world know it too.” Dani giggled as Jamie leaned forward, pressing a searing kiss to her now salty lips. Tangling finger tips into golden mane and knowing her place in this world was in Dani’s forever loving gaze. This was enough. It was endlessly more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and all your kind words. It really keeps me writing!
> 
> I’d love to know what you’d think of this chapter. I may also have another angsty/fluffy Damie story up my sleeve, so let me know if you’d be interested in that!


End file.
